Awkward.

broke bitch.

So Nicks gone for the states until Friday and not much has really happened since well yesterday, I saw Nadine today and we went and got our nails done.. I might put them up later.. But thankfully nothing really bad or ‘good’ has happened today.. I feel broke though because I only have 97 bucks left in my bank.. Hopefully my mamma gives me more for school and I’ll just secretly bring lunches, but treat myself to a school lunch one day a week.. Lalala iI’m just rambling.. ciao bitches OH an one last thing. I was watching pretty little liars.. and toby was “a” dear lord kill myself.

2 day mayhem.

So I didnt really talk to him. I failed, At my self. But yesterday was so amazing. I went to his house I made him dinner we had sex and like something came over me I got ontop and I rode him.. Two times within like 2 min span withot a condom, and the rest with :) Anyways, yesterday was just so perfect, no words can decribe how amazing it was. But I felt so bad that I ditched the girls.. I cant tell them or they’ll hate me.. so I came home at like 930ish and I just chilled in bed till 11 and my mom called me and shes like I have this gut that you weren’t really at alyssas and like this whole thing happened, and now I’m home free I didnt get caught.. yet. I’m praying I dont. my moms so stupid and crazy and sycotic. I cant get caught or else I’m fucked. and I really need to stop having a tiny bit of sex with Nick without a condom. until I’m two months into my birth control.. If I get it. Hopefully.

Sneaky Sleepover.

So tomorrow I’m having a sleepover with Nick.. Here’s the whole back story to it. So my girls Alyssa Nadine and Nicole all wanted to have a sleepover, so I asked my mom and she said maybe so I told nadine and then I told nick and hes like I thought you were sleeping over? so then I’m like I’ll tell the girls my mom said no but then tell my mom you’re going to drive me to Alyssa’s cause you have to go down there anyway to go to his friends house blah blah. So then we go get take out to go eat dinner then we go home and I sleep over. Tada. Hopefully it works. I just think the hardest thing would be the driving there part merp idk. We’ll see. Wish my luck.

hopeless.

Okay so I didn’t end up talking to him yesterday as I planned we got caught up in the moment.. Story of our lives. But I am going to talk to him tomorrow about it. I have to. I have to have that will power to do so. I just need to sit down and talk to him about everything, And I promise myself I will not do anything else until after I talk to him. But on another note on Thursday I might be gettong on birth control.. Which is good. But I dont know about the sex without a condom.. I’m just scared that its not going to work..and then I will get pregnant. great, another thing I have to talk to him about. But it feels good without one. I just feel so insecure about myself that he doesnt really love me and all that. But Its me. I think. Who knows. Well maybe I do. But ugh see what I mean? I’m hopeless.

cheater?

So yesterday I went to my cousins house to go see their wedding video, everything was fine me and my recently new cousin got drunk or whatever, and I messaged Nick asking why he choose Danna to have sex with and of course we got into a fight. He did it because he found out me and Gabe had sex, yet when I told him; me and him were talking.. lmfao. I forgot about it during the whole fighting thing now that I think about it. I’ll bring it up later when I see him. But I don’t know what to think anymore. Is it true that when I told him he had sex with her and “cheated” on me.. Ugh. I deff have to talk to him about it. Or just about everything.. It may be the right time to talk cause it’s our 5 months soon. Almost half of a year, and we did know eachother for 2 in a half years being on and off “dealing”. urgh, I’m going to go drown myself in food.. ciao. xox

Polycystic ovary syndrome

Great, just great. I wake up to find out that I have enlarged ovaries. Which isnt supposed to happen at my age. It could be from an std but I doubt that.. marko and gabe were virgins. It couldnt be possible I do right? I hope not. It also could be cancer.. I dont know which one I’m afraid more of.. Also it could just be polycystic ovary syndrome.. woo. I can take pills to make it go back to its orginal size.. or I can get surgery and remove my ovaries.. Which means no periods anymore.. Which is good. cause who likes their periods? But on the negitive it also means that no kids.. and who would want to be with some one who cant have a family of their own? I’ll never be able to see what ** I ** created myself. urgh.. I hope its just nothing.. I honestly hope to God I’m just over reacting right now. I hope I am. Just another thing to make me more…Weird. the 16 year old girl who had sex at 14 now has enlarged ovaries. Just My Luck.

Awkward.

dear reader.

               well this is my first post.. I guess this whole thing started because of the show 'Awkward' but this show got me thinking.. is there more to life than Nick?.. Well Nick as in a relationship.. I know I shouldnt think that way or even say it. But I dont know.. I see this girl going between two guys fighting for her.. And I wonder if i could have that instead of being tied down for the rest of my life.. Sure I know I had my fun in the past, but I am only 16. Now I'm wondering if I can go through with him and I until death really does do us apart. What if I cant make this big commitment..I want to talk to somebody about it I really do. But who is there to just listen? My mom is a hell to the no she'll just think that were having sex (which we are) But I'm not going to tell her that. I love Nick dont get me wrong.. But what if there really is more to life than just Nick?

                                                                     What If?